Do you have it?

The good news is, yes, you do.

Charisma is a powerful business and communication tool. Contrary to popular belief, it is not a rare gift bestowed on the few nor is it limited to any one personality type. We all have the ability to be charismatic. And charismatic behavior enhances our ability to attract and retain the clients, jobs and relationships we choose.

 

What is charisma?

In John Maxwell’s book, “The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader” he tells a story I’ll paraphrase:

In the second half of the 19th century, two strong men vied for leadership of Great Britain’s government. A woman had the rare experience of dining with each of them on consecutive nights.

When asked her impression of the two leaders, she said after dining with the first candidate, she thought he was the cleverest man in all of England. After she dined with the second, she felt she was the cleverest woman in all of England.

Now, I ask you, which leader had the most charisma?

Have you ever had an experience like this? Have you ever been around someone in whose presence you felt terrific about yourself? That person has charisma. And I’ll tell you something else about that person. Chances are, they reflected your own gifts, strengths and talents back to you.

Reflecting someone’s genius back to them

As we reflect their own genius back to others, we empower them to capitalize on their own strengths to succeed. And then something truly amazing happens. The more successful they become, the more they see the genius in us. What goes around, comes around.

In even simpler terms: charisma is genuine noticing and honest, positive feedback.

If you want to be charismatic, recognize someone else’s strengths then tell them what you notice. Just tell them the truth. And tell it directly to them.

I can tell you what I have noticed as a result of reflecting others’ strengths, gifts and talents back to them. As a manager, it brought the best performance out of my staff. As an employee, it helped my bosses to become more successful. At home, it has strengthened my relationships with those I love. And as an entrepreneur, it enables me to help my clients succeed.

Research by the Gallup Organization shows success is not so much born of improving upon our weaknesses as it is of using and improving on our innate strengths. When we remind others what they are really good at, it is as if we just gave them the green light to become even better at it.

The goal here is not for others to feel good about us. The goal is for them to recognize their own strengths and rightfully feel good about them. But here’s the twist: if people find themselves feeling good about themselves in your presence, they will start to feel good about you. The next thing you know, your ideas, your products, your services will also become more appealing to them.

Charisma is simply telling others the good news about themselves. Is there a trick to it? Not really. But there are three questions you can ask yourself to hone your charismatic skill:

 

Is it true?

This sounds simple, but it is key. Charismatic feedback is not flattery. And it is not being nice. Let me repeat that. Charisma is not flattery. It is not being nice. It is telling the truth to someone about their own gifts, strengths and talents.

It is not that easy to fool a human. We know when we are being flattered or when someone says something just to be nice. At best, it does not empower us. At worst, it makes everything else you say suspect.

Resist the urge to embellish or even tell a white lie in the name of being nice. Stick to the facts. Stick to what is true -- the more specific, the better.

“You have a great talent for bringing people together around a single goal,” is going to be more empowering than, “You are great.”

Are you in a position to know?

This is equally important if we want to truly empower someone with positive feedback. I am reminded of a New Yorker magazine cartoon. An obviously senior executive sweeps through an office, calling over his shoulder, “Keep up the good work, whoever you are, whatever you do.” Not exactly empowering feedback, is it?

However, when someone who is clearly in a position to know compliments us on a quality they have observed in us, that is charismatic feedback. And it is powerful.

I received this type of feedback once from a colleague who had shared an office with me for two years. His positive comments about my management style probably had more impact on me than those same words would have had coming from anyone else. Why? He was clearly in a position to know.

Can you remember a time when someone gave you positive feedback that you can remember, verbatim, to this day? If the answer is yes, I’m quite sure it was true and that they were in a position to know.

 

How can you say it so they can hear it?

Now this is what I call “advanced charisma” or “supernova charisma”.

We all have our favorite ways of saying things and of hearing things. Left to our own devices, we will usually say things the way WE like to hear them. That may not, however, be the best way to reach the other person.

A friend of mine put it well when she said, “There’s no sense broadcasting on CNN if they are watching the Weather Channel.”

Research by psychologist Taibi Kahler reveals six personality types each prefer their own distinct communication style. He describes these styles specifically, down to favored words, phrases and even sentence structure.

I use his research with my clients to enable them to develop communication strategies for each important person in their lives. Until you become my client and become a truly savvy communicator (wink), I suggest you listen and observe the types of language another person uses to discern the best way to reflect their gifts, strengths and talents back to them.

Do they express themselves through feelings? thoughts? beliefs? Do they use slang and comedic language? Or do they generally stick to the facts? Do they express what they like and dislike? Or do they use bottom line, action-oriented language? The closer you can mirror their language style, the better chance they have of actually taking in what you say.

 

One more tip

After you deliver charismatic feedback, let it hang in the air for a bit. Maintain eye contact. This will give the recipient time to absorb what you just said. You have just given them one of the most empowering gifts they can receive. Let them breathe it in.

I encourage you to try this communication technique. Ask yourself the three questions –Is it true? Am I in a position to know? How can I say it so they can hear it? Keep reflecting others’ genius back to them. Don’t worry about being repetitive. Do you ever tire of hearing what you do well and what others admire about you? I don’t!

If you practice this form of powerful, positive communication, I believe the results in your life and in the lives of those you touch will be nothing short of miraculous.

©Janie Gabbett 2005

For more information about how The Gabbett Group can help you become a charismatic communicator, contact us at: info@gabbettgroup.com or call us at 847-679-4604.